Coming Clean

Now that I am no longer involved in the discussion of Gamergate, I feel as though I can finally come clean about my true motivations for joining the discussion in the first place. I have often been asked the question about my initial draw to GG, and games in general, and while I have always answered truthfully, it was an incomplete truth. This will be my final time mentioning Gamergate in any fashion.

I was very sick when I was a teenager, originally diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFIDS), Fibromyalgia, and Anemia. I later learned that I actually have Lupus. That did not, however, change the fact that using the medication that was prescribed almost killed me. That I was homeschooled throughout most of highschool due to my inability to function. That I found solace, and true friendship, through gaming. That those friendships most likely saved my life.

While I’m fairly certain those experiences alone would have propelled me into discussion of Gamergate, there is a very big factor that I have omitted until recently, and which was my true primary motivation.

In August of 2014, a friend on Twitter drew my attention to several articles that had been posted, later dubbed the “Gamers are Dead” articles. The first I read was by Gamasutra writer Leigh Alexander. In this article, Ms. Alexander described “gamers” in the following way:

“They don’t know how to dress or behave….. ‘Games culture’ is a petri dish of people who know so little about how human social interaction and professional life works that they can concoct online ‘wars’ about social justice or ‘game journalism ethics……”

She used an entire article to demonize a certain, and very specific, type of person. A young man, who isn’t socially tuned into her idea of ‘acceptable’ social behavior. Who doesn’t know the right way to behave, or engage, or dress, or shop, or live. Who cares about things she does not.

Leigh Alexander was describing a male version of my 3 year old daughter.

My little girl was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Global Developmental Delay days after her second birthday. We were blessed enough to receive an iPad grant through a local foundation, which opened up a huge world to her. She began using PECS (picture communication) to request time with her iPad. She then began using it to request other things. Her first word was “iPad,” and she had an inexplicable fascination with Fruit Ninja. I had always been the sort of parent to limit television and electronics to certain times and amounts. That all went out the window with her.

Went out the window because the only reason I ever heard my baby girl’s voice was because of a game.

At the age of 3, she can now identify every letter in the alphabet out of order, upper and lowercase. She can count to 30, and backwards from 20, without a single error. She can spell words. She can identify every color and shape. Yet, she can not say “no” if she doesn’t want something. She can not express when she DOES want something. She can not socialize with other children, or with adults. She will fall into a sensory meltdown and can not tell us how to help ease her struggles.

She does not know the ‘right’ way to behave, or engage, or dress. She is the person Leigh Alexander described with blatant and unapologetic contempt.

I discussed Gamergate because I cared about ethics. I discussed Gamergate because I cared about censorship. I discussed Gamergate because I cared about ideological manipulation. But, I started discussing Gamergate because I’m a mother. A mother who’s child was being misunderstood. A mother who’s child was being attacked. A mother who saw a woman – a privileged, spoiled woman – talking about things she’s never lived and could never understand. A mother who watched this woman vilify all of the things I love most about my child – her ability to focus, to understand, to slow down, and most importantly, to be, and love, herself. And that pissed me off.

My motivation, my first, primary motivation, for joining the discussion was selfish. And I don’t apologize for that.

We are all people. We all have our own motivations. We are all human beings, with feelings. And we all deserve to be treated with some goddamn dignity.